Last Year I Became a Mom

2011, so weird! This time last year, I didn't even realize I was pregnant yet and now I already have a 3 month old baby! What a change from last year. When I discovered I was pregnant, 9 months didn't seem like long enough to fully wrap my head around it. I still can't believe I'm a mom. I still feel so young, I feel like I need to make sure people see my wedding ring so they know I'm not a pregnant High School girl. I have always looked young for my age.

Being a mom is such a change. When Tom and I first got married we talked about how marriage makes you realize how self centered you are. Changing your living from "me" to "we". I saw movies with people who felt chained down by marriage and I thought that was so odd. And not that I feel chained down, I love my husband and love being married, but once married I realized if I want to up and move to Texas I can't just do that. I now have someone who I have to discuss it with and decide together. My pay check cannot be spend exactly how I want, it's a joint decision, same for my husband. It has been a growing experience and sometimes it's hard but I have enjoyed living for something more then just myself. Cooking for one just wasn't so enjoyable. Decorating the house for Christmas wasn't so exciting without someone else to enjoy it with.

As I entered into motherhood I was reminded again how self centered I can be. With my husband there would be maybe one or two things a day that I would need to choose to be selfless or selfish, with a baby it happens every minute. Those first few weeks every two hours, I fed, I burped, I changed diapers, I put baby to sleep and if I was able to put him to sleep without holding him then I had general self and house upkeep. Feeding, cleaning, dishes, laundry. And before finishing those it's been two hours and you start again. I think I said "your hungry again?!?!" more times those first two weeks.

There were times I loved it, snuggling and caring for this child but there were other times I just wanted a good nights sleep and to rest and heal from giving birth. Even in that though I felt how blessed I was, a husband who willingly helped in cleaning, cooking, diapers, whatever he could do, church friends who brought meals and my mom who came and stayed some days. It made me really admire those women who have to do it alone.

Now as Micah is approaching 4 months I see how much easier it has become. That first month, he didn't mind who it was providing for his needs as long as someone did it. Slowly he started smiling, acknowledging me and my husband and now clearly prefers us over strangers. At first no cuddling or kisses would cheer him up, only food or a diaper. Now when he is upset I just pick him up or even just talk to him and he starts to smile through the tears. It feels good to be needed, to see your attempts succeeding. I love that I am starting to be able to discern Micah's cries. That I can cheer him up, that I know how to make him smile.

I don't really have a point to all this. But I guess for me I found the beginning of motherhood very hard, the healing, how even people helping really cannot do it all, breastfeeding obviously being the main thing but even more then that as a mom I no longer am able to stop thinking or worrying about Micah. It's an odd thing to have your thoughts more focused on another. When we go out, I think more about how Micah looks, if he's warm enough, etc and often forget to change my spit up covered shirt. Someone asks how I am doing and I tell them about Micah. I had heard having a child changes your life but I don't thing you cannot fully understand what that means until it happens. I know I didn't. Now when someone asks me how I am doing, I tell them about Micah, if he had a bad night, so did I. When they complement him on something it's like I have been complimented. My life has changed, I am no longer just a women or a wife. I am a mother. And though it is often hard and scary, I have to say every day I fall more and more in love with Micah.